Relationships will always take a lot of hard work from both sides – but knowing the surefire signs of a toxic boyfriend will go a long way to telling you if your efforts are in vain.
Sometimes you push and push for a loving and affectionate relationship, only to find these feelings are not reciprocated. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and only becomes more severe when it’s due to the habits of a toxic boyfriend.
Knowing whether to break up with your boyfriend or try to fix things is one of the biggest calls you can make. Each step you take in either direction can have a profound impact on your happiness and these decisions should not be taken lightly.
This is why knowing the signs of a toxic boyfriend will go a long way towards helping you identify the traits and telltale signals they are becoming toxic, or have been toxic all along.
What is a toxic boyfriend?
When a boyfriend is showing the signs of being toxic in the relationship, each time you talk or have an interaction with them can feel like hard work.
What they say to you can feel severely out of place, or become flooded with negativity. Day to day conversations can grow into arguments or bickering matches very easily and their behavior leaves you feeling empty or angry.
Living in a toxic environment with your boyfriend can be seriously damaging to your overall happiness or self-confidence. This is why knowing what to look for is important early on in a relationship.
Here are a few traits and habits you should be on the lookout for that will help you quickly spot if its healthy or toxic behavior:
| Healthy Relationships | Toxic Relationships |
| Mutual love, caring, and affection. Feelings of safety and security. Compassion and respectfulness. Sharing and listening. Freedom of thought. Healthy disagreements. Personal privacy. Understanding of boundaries. Thoughtfulness. | Insecurities and negativity. Jealousy and envy. Controlling nature. Power abuser. Lack of trust. Demeaning attitudes or comments. Selfish behaviors. Self-centeredness. Excessive criticism. Invader of privacy. Unhealthy expectations. |
While it’s important to know that even loving and caring boyfriends can still show some of the signs of a toxic boyfriend.
In most cases, a severely toxic boyfriend will continually show you more of the bad traits and habits on a daily basis. It will give you the feeling of not being able to escape or even understand the behavior they are showing to you.
[Read: 23 Signs He Loves You But Is Too Scared To Show It]
In order to help you understand these signs of a toxic boyfriend further, we’ve made a list of the top 15 signs you should be on the lookout for in your relationship.
#1: You feel like the bad days just keep on coming.
While experiencing a bad day is not too uncommon for most of us with life’s consistent ups and downs due to work, money and our modern way of living. It only becomes more severe in a relationship if your boyfriend is playing an active role in making your days feel that much worse.
You may find yourself falling asleep feeling sad or hollow, with that feeling still there and persisting the next morning when you wake up. During the day you look around and see other couples seeming to have happy and loving relationships and wonder “Why can’t this be you?”.
The simple fact is you need to be putting yourself in a position to help the good days find you. If you strongly believe that your boyfriend is toxic and becoming a big part of the problem. Then staying too long in a toxic relationship will only ever help to erode away at your strength, courage, self-confidence, and happiness.
It’s never going to be easy to admit it’s your boyfriend that could be the problem. You will find yourself in a rut and be questioning all the things around you relating to your daily happiness. However, it’s your overall happiness that must come first and foremost.
Is breaking up with my toxic boyfriend a good decision?
If you believe that your boyfriend is the cause of your continual bad days or lack of happiness. Then taking some time away from the relationship may be a difficult but right call.
Having some downtime away from the relationship will allow you to recuperate away from the pressures of the relationship and assess what makes you truly happy.
#2: They have unhealthy expectations of the relationship.
We all go into relationships with our own list of expectations of our partner whether we like it or not. However, most of the time these remain hidden in our thoughts and feelings only to reveal themselves when our partner goes against these expectations or does things we don’t entirely agree with.
How we deal with these expectations can differ greatly from person to person. Sometimes we are just happy to live life and make compromises in the relationship to avoid issues or conflict, but there are times arguments about unhealthy expectations in a relationship are unavoidable.
If your boyfriend is constantly showing signs of having unhealthy expectations of you, or the relationship. Then this can be seriously difficult to deal with and is a bad sign.
They might say things like “I’m just trying to make you better!” or hold a view that they can never be challenged on anything in the relationship, and are always Mr. Right. The truth is this is not healthy behavior at all and is only showing the telltale signs of what is to come for your relationship together into the future.
If this is happening to you in the relationship you need to challenge this toxic behavior from your boyfriend early on. If left unchecked it will only multiply the list of expectations they hold you to for the lifespan of your relationship.
How to deal with a toxic boyfriend’s unhealthy expectations?
You should be open and honest about how you feel being put under the pressure of their expectations for the relationship. Here you are looking for understanding, assurances and an active change in their behavior that is aligned more to the middle ground of both your goals in life.
If this still does not happen, then chances are you have a toxic boyfriend on your hands who is not open to compromise and will likely fit many of the other criteria or signs that reveal more toxic behavior.
#3: You constantly question their stories and white lies in your head.
Communication is always the key to any healthy and loving relationship. With honesty and openness playing a big part in building trust which is the foundation for most relationships.
There may be times however that you find yourself questioning many of the stories or half-truths your boyfriend is telling you. Having feelings or thoughts that your conversations together have become peppered with little white lies is not uncommon for many couples or relationships.
It can nevertheless become more severe if your boyfriend is showing the traits of a compulsive liar. Consistently lying ticks one of the major boxes on the toxic boyfriend checklist. Some of the traits of a liar in a relationship are as follows:
They’re acting differently towards you
A sudden shift in how they act around you or their behavior towards you from one day to the next is a good indicator that something is off.
Your boyfriend might do things like breaking off plans last minute. Becoming more distant by the day, or even going a different route and overloading you with affection in a way that seems forced. Either way, it’s a telltale sign that something is up.
Their social media paints a different picture
If your boyfriend has openly told you that they were going to be in one place with friends, but show up on social media somewhere else. Then either their plans could have changed – or they were not entirely honest with you.
It’s important to set out some ground rules as a couple when using social media to avoid hurt feelings. If your boyfriend is still adamant to tell you one thing and do another though, there could be a bigger issue at play.
They accuse you of lying
It’s not uncommon for someone who is lying consistently to throw accusations at someone else to justify their own actions and pin the blame.
Partners who are unfaithful in a relationship will often be the first to throw stones and accuse the other of cheating or lying to them. In these situations, it’s usually a form of guilt that takes hold and puts fire behind this kind of behavior.
One of the huge signs your boyfriend is toxic is when he will confront you with accusations continuously. Only for the next day to claim it was a joke or some kind of strange test of commitment.
#4: Your boyfriend compares you to ex-partners constantly.
Learning and growing as a person due to past experiences with ex-partners is something we all hope to achieve no matter how hard it may be. We all want to come out of the time spent together with our ex feeling wiser, and more assured that we know what to look for in a future soulmate.
On the other hand, toxic boyfriends who still insist on carrying around the baggage and hangups from a previous relationship can be a big sign of trouble. Here are some of the common ways you can spot a boyfriend who is actively comparing you to their ex.
They make subtle or obvious comparisons
While most of the time it’s totally unfair or uncalled for, its not uncommon for boyfriends to straight-up make comparisons by saying things like “my ex would never have done what you’re doing.”
Often these kinds of judgments raise their heads during arguments or disagreements, but this does not mean it won’t happen in casual conversation.
Some boyfriends will take a more subtle or tactful approach to disguise the comparison with ex-partners. They might say things like “most girls don’t do this.” Or “girls I know do it this way.” While this is less likely to cause conflict or issues in the relationship, it does not escape the fact they are actively comparing you to other girls whether this is their ex-partner or not.
They think they know how you’re going to react
Another sign of poor communication skills from your boyfriend — and a bad indication of toxic behavior is when they assume they know how you’ll react in any given situation.
If they choose to anticipate your reactions during conversations before they even happen. It’s a surefire sign they are drawing on past experiences and situations with someone else.
They will feel like their a step ahead of you becoming angry or frustrated and be sure to tell you about it before it happens. Once this behavior starts happening, it’s really difficult to work past or even attempt to talk through with your boyfriend. It can become a stumbling block for the relationship moving forward.
They closely follow their ex on social media
While it’s probably not as creepy as it sounds, and not uncommon for guys or girls in a new relationship to still be friends with or have contact with their ex’s from time to time.
It becomes more of a problem if your boyfriend is actively hiding or being secretive about their habits looking up their ex’s on social media. While it can be harmless if they are openly checking in to see what they are up to. It can become more severe or toxic if you have talked about their habits and they begin to lie and deny it’s even happening.
If they are not being open and honest about how much they keep tabs on their ex with you. It could indicate they still have some hangups or feelings towards their ex they do not want to be revealed.
It’s important to talk this over with them early on so that they don’t begin using their ex-partner as a source for drawing comparisons between the both of you.
#5: They seem to take pleasure from pointless arguments.
One of the huge signs your boyfriend is toxic is when they seem to take a great amount of pleasure from causing pointless arguments you can’t seem to escape from.
Sure, most couples argue and nobody is perfect — but when your boyfriend insists on creating conflict out of thin air, then it can be a sizable source of frustration and helps grow uncertainty that will hang over the relationship like a black cloud.
They might say things like “I can’t believe you watched that tv show without me.” Or question and argue about your life decisions in a way that seems blown out of proportion just to make you feel guilty or upset.
Either way, a boyfriend who is hell-bent on making your life a living misery with their constant arguing and bickering is never a good sign. If they are not open to listening to your side of the story or turn of events. Then it’s likely proof the communication in your relationship is falling by the wayside and needs a big change.
#6: Freinds and family often call out their toxic behavior.
If your friends and family are all too happy to repeatedly call out your boyfriend’s toxic behavior in front of you both. Then it could be a good sign that you really need to talk to that friend or family member about their perspective or viewpoint on your boyfriend.
Sometimes they do not fully understand why your boyfriend could be acting in such a manner around them, or don’t fully the complications or every-day behaviors of your boyfriend. But if you agree with them then reinforcing their viewpoint and relaying this to your boyfriend is important.
Nevertheless, it takes at times a lot of courage especially for close friends or family members who value your happiness to call out your boyfriends behavior in front of you both. Such an act can put your own relationship with friends and family at risk, so you can be sure they don’t take this action lightly or without cause.
A boyfriend who pays no mind towards keeping your family or friends content or happy to be around him or spend time with him is likely trying to either make you choose or place a wedge between you and the people they see as a “problem” in your life.
#7: You do things just to please your boyfriend and keep the peace.
If you constantly find yourself being put in the position of doing things you do not agree with just to please your boyfriend or keep the peace in the relationship. Then it’s a bad sign that you are being placed in the esteemed position of “people pleaser” in the relationship.
People pleasers can come in all-forms and the term is usually used to describe someone who is happy to agree or do things at the expense of their own viewpoint, wants, desires or happiness.
While you may not actually fit the bill of a people-pleasing person and stand your ground at times. If you consistently agree to do things your boyfriend wants that you don’t agree with just to avoid conflict or problems. Then this can have a severe impact on the health of the relationship with your boyfriend in the long run.
A good sign your boyfriend is toxic when it comes to making you do things you really do not want to do is when they put no value or time into knowing how you truly feel about doing something. Sure they cannot ever read your mind. However, they should be looking to know the inner workings of you enough to question and seek assurances you really want to be doing the things you’re agreeing to.
Often during honeymoon periods in many relationships, one partner can be found to be playing this role as someone who is happy to agree with most things. During the lifespan of the relationship nevertheless, it’s important that this develops into a more level playing field with both partners having equal agreement and understanding.
#8: They demand control at the expense of your happiness.
If your boyfriend is seeking full control over you and the relationship as a whole. Then it’s a pretty big sign of toxic behavior that can begin to damage the relationship and eat away at your overall happiness.
Maybe you have just got together and made things official, but they are already seeking to spend every waking hour of the day with you. Perhaps they do subtle things like wanting to know where you are at all times, and if you make it to and from work safely. If it’s beginning to feel a bit much, it probably is.
Some of the toxic traits of a controlling boyfriend might be as follows:
They stop you speaking to friends and make you feel isolated
If your boyfriend’s behavior is leaving you feeling isolated because they don’t want you talking to friends or family, or even try to control who you have continued contact while inside of work or day to day life. Then the telltale signs are there of a boyfriend who is looking to control your life.
His love and affection is conditional
Boyfriends who make you jump through hoops for their love and affection should set off anyone’s alarm bells. They might make statements like “I’ll love you if” or say things like “You’re going to push me away if”. This can lead to you having a hard time feeling accepted or worthy of your boyfriend’s love.
This is yet another example of controlling behavior from your boyfriend. A lot of the time this comes in many subtle forms but usually has the end goal of trying to manipulate a partner’s behavior to that person’s liking.
You have zero privacy
A seriously severe no-no in any relationship is when a boyfriend demands to see text message history. Sure we can all be curious about who our partner talks to on a daily basis but demanding to see personal messages to friends or family is taking it a bit too far.
Usually, these toxic traits or habits can rear their head if your boyfriend suspects something untoward is happening. However, for a boyfriend who is looking to seek control, they may even try to develop this habit into a common weekly event to keep tabs on you.
It’s important to set boundaries relating to personal privacy and understand that you both need a place to vent or discuss personal things away from each other.
#9: Envy and jealousy are ruling your boyfriend’s mind.
In many relationships its not uncommon to go through a period of jealousy or envy of our partners. Maybe they just got a big promotion at work, or have made new friends that eat up some of the time that you spend together throughout the week.
Either way, prolonged periods of jealousy and envious behavior from your boyfriend will not take long to develop into something a little more toxic down the road.
Here are some of the behaviors a boyfriend who is becoming toxic and jealous may be showing you without you realizing.
- He won’t call you, message you, or respond when you’re out with friends.
- He’ll deny he feels jealous, but he will withhold affection.
- He will try to dictate the mood for both of you.
- If you’re in a good mood, he will question it and cut you down.
- He will try his best to resist any positivity from you.
- Your boyfriend will try to make you equally as jealous as they feel.
- He’ll punish you emotionally for talking to single men.
- He seems distant or emotionally unavailable.
- He’ll make up his own version of the truth, or details about the turn of events.
- He will refuse to go anywhere or be involved in anything that fuels jealousy or envious feelings.
Spotting jealousy or envy in your boyfriend’s daily habits can sometimes be pretty difficult. Many of us are trained to hide negative emotions from our loved ones and will do our best not to reveal our true feelings in order to keep the peace.
[Read: 13 Dumb Relationship Arguments All Couples Seem To Have]
If your boyfriend fits any of the above behaviors it’s important to try talking about these habits openly. Understanding why they are jealous or envious will go a long way towards building trust and mutual understanding, helping you to escape the claws of toxicity that might be creeping into the relationship.
#10: Harmless questions from him turn into traps or ‘gotcha’ moments.
There are times you can see what’s coming around the corner. However, sometimes it can catch you off guard. Hidden away in general conversations are harmless questions that become traps and they’re the most confusing things to deal with in a relationship.
When toxic boyfriends flood conversations with ‘gotcha’ moments it’s a surefire sign they are just trying to get one over on you in order to catch you out. Often the aims of these questions with hidden agendas are to allow them to criticize your reply, or perhaps even vent some of their own uncertainty or insecurities about what they are feeling on you.
One example scenario might be that you had planned to see friends for dinner for tonight. Your boyfriend says something to you like “You’re seeing your friends tonight? Would you not rather say home with me?” If you happen to say in reply “I would love to, but I had planned to meet up with friends.” They will take this as the worse response imaginable, and turn it into you not wanting to spend time with them. Or perhaps even choosing valuable time with friends over the relationship with him.
In any case, knowing how to respond to these kinds of loaded questions will never be easy. Your boyfriend will likely already have a good “comeback” to any response you happen to give. So it’s best to confront and find the route cause of why they are asking you things with traps or hidden meanings entangled inside them. It’s the only way you can better understand the true nature of what they choosing to do.
#11: You are the only one willing to make compromises in the relationship.
It’s not possible for one person to hold the relationship together when they are the sole person doing all of the work. It can become lonely, isolating and exhausting if done over weeks and months.
If your boyfriend is not actively willing to make compromises in the relationship and gives the bare minimum but is not prepared to give any more than that. Then they are displaying to you the telltale signs that they are not open to compromise.
One of the major signs your boyfriend is toxic is when they are simply not willing to accept adjustment or change. They might feel like they are always in the right, and become hot-headed if you bring up the times you have made a compromise for them.
The simple fact is that changing them or their unwillingness to make a compromise is never going to be easy. You might realize that you have to let go of the fantasy that one day they will be open to give as much as you in the relationship. No matter how hard you try, how much you say, or how much you do. You’re enough and it’s time to find someone new who’s open to change or compromise.
#12: Saying ‘No’ or disagreeing feels like the worst thing possible.
Saying ‘No’ is one of the most important words in any relationship. Telling your boyfriend no should always be available for use in any relationship vocabulary, and you should never strike it out in the name of love.
Many good relationships can be built on the understanding and importance of being able to have a healthy disagreement, or saying the word ‘No’. So if using this in response to your boyfriend has become a dirty word. Then it’s showing the signs that something more serious is at play.
Healthy relationships are built on a solid foundation that includes communication, compromise, and understanding. If a boyfriend is toxic they will never be willing to understand or be open to the reasons you may say the word ‘No’ to them.
They might make you feel like disagreeing is the worst thing you can possibly do and often make you pay for it emotionally by making you feel guilty or isolated from their love and affection. If your boyfriend is not willing to accept the word ‘No’ then its probably time to find a new partner that is capable.
#13: They keep a mental checklist of the times you were wrong.
Keeping a mental checklist or scorecard is something we can all find ourselves doing from time to time. However, this will usually entail positive things like the amount of exercise you get in a week, or perhaps how many times you tell your partner you love and cherish them each week.
A major sign of a toxic boyfriend nevertheless can be if they keep a mental checklist flooded with negativity. They might count the number of times you were in the wrong, or do things like counting the times they’ve seen you talking to guys that made them feel uncomfortable.
Either way, its not a healthy trait for them to have at the very least. It can be peppered with insecurities and jealousy. Often these kinds of mental checklists or scorecards will rear their heads during arguments or disagreements.
A toxic boyfriend will likely take great pleasure in going through this negative mental checklist with you. They might say things like “Let me show you how wrong you are, and the things you have done.”
We can all be in the wrong or do stupid things at times. However, having these kinds of mental and emotional shots fired in your direction constantly can seriously eat away at your self-esteem and overall happiness.
It’s much better to have a boyfriend that will openly tell you straight up how they feel if you make a mistake or mess up. These kinds of mind games with your boyfriend will never be healthy and are never a good foundation to build a loving relationship.
#14: Your privacy feels constantly undermined by them.
A good sign he’s a toxic boyfriend is when he shows zero remorse for invading your privacy constantly. In many relationships good or bad, a breach in privacy is usually experienced when one partner believes the other is doing something severely wrong or lying to them.
They might ask you to unlock your phone so they can browse your messages, or even do things like checking your receipts, phone bills or ringing your work to check where you are.
However, toxic boyfriends will take this controlling behavior to the extreme. They might do some of the following things:
- Unlock and check your phone without you knowing.
- Login or keep tabs on your social media like Facebook, Instagram.
- Read your diary and weekly planners.
- Quiz you constantly about phone numbers or contacts.
- Ask your friends about the guys you talk to or your whereabouts constantly.
- Drop things into conversations you have not told them as a ‘gotcha’.
- Invite themselves to girl’s night out.
- Find ways to know your whereabouts 24/7.
- Get upset if you don’t contact them back instantly.
While this might sound like serious stalker behavior. It’s some of the things that truly can happen when a toxic boyfriend is intent on invading your privacy. It can be even worse if you catch and call them out on this behavior as a guy showing no remorse will deny it and continue showing these habits.
If your boyfriend ticks most of these boxes, then it’s showing all the telltale signs of a breakdown in trust in the relationship. It will be impossible for you to trust someone who is determined to break your boundaries on privacy. So it’s probably time to find someone who will respect them.
#15: Friends often talk about you breaking up or your relationship “status”.
Good friends are there through thick and thin. They will see you at your very best and worst all while knowing if you are truly being yourself. The good thing about close friends is that they will often call-it as they see it.
If your friends are constantly bringing up your relationship status, or the possibility of you breaking up with your boyfriend any time soon. This is a seriously bad sign.
Friends want the best for us in most cases. So them asking you things like “Do you think you will ever leave him?” or making continual comments on his bad behavior that justifies you breaking up should be truly noted.
One of the signs your boyfriend is toxic is when they stick out like an easy target for your friends. They will often do things to rub your friends up the wrong way, and show behavior your friends really dislike that they believe goes against your overall happiness.
This is also why many toxic or controlling boyfriends will try to push your friends and family away. They want to stop the bad feedback you are receiving about them and try to paint a different picture of their traits and habits away from external interference.
If your friends are constantly questioning whether or not you should be with your boyfriend. You should really get to the bottom of it and figure out exactly what their opinions are on your boyfriend. Only then can you really make a judgment on whether they are right? Or if their opinion on your boyfriend is misunderstood and missing some vital details.
Your toxic boyfriend: Leave him or try to fix things?
When making the decision whether or not to end a toxic relationship with your boyfriend or try to fix things. This will only ever be determined by how you alone feel about the relationship as a whole.
It will never be as easy as simply labeling them “toxic” and moving on. You have put countless hours of time, love, and affection into the relationship, so making the right decision on whether or not to fix things should always be a tough decision.
Some toxic boyfriends can improve given the right amount of time, or when confronted about their behavior in the correct ways. If you talk about and challenged these issues correctly you can both come to a better understanding of where you are in the relationship and what is needed to build a better foundation moving forward.
That being said, a boyfriend who is showing unwillingness to change their ways will only make this decision increasingly difficult, especially if you’ve been thinking of breaking up with them for a while now.
[Read: 19 Warning Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship]
Below we’ve summarised some of the day-to-day scenarios you may face in a relationship with your boyfriend. Here it will show you two very different reactions to the same scenario.
This will help you determine based on the reaction to the scenario whether there is the hope of fixing things, or if consideration towards leaving him is likely the better option.
| Scenarios | Toxic Reaction | Possible To Fix |
| You and your boyfriend argue, saying mean and hurtful things to one another. | Zero signs of remorse. Says more hurtful things. Continues the argument. No sign of changing this behavior. | He says sorry. Shows signs of guilt. Wants healthier disagreements or arguments. Fights are the last resort. |
| He invades your privacy, shows a lack of trust and is confronted by you. | He doesn’t stop these habits. Says he can’t trust you. He does not respect your need for privacy. Constantly breaks your boundaries. | He knows what he’s doing is wrong. Says he wants to trust you. Asks you what he wants to know openly. He wants you to help him build confidence. |
| You’re not sure how to communicate with each other. | Makes zero effort. Turns any conversations you do have into fights or bickering matches. Actively avoids you. Turns it into a “you” problem. | Makes some effort. Know’s you need to talk more. Says “we” instead of “you”. |
| He finds out your friends are calling out his toxic behavior. | Pins the blame on you. Says they are bad friends/people. Avoids friends. Tries to stop you from seeing or talking to them. | Tries to understand why they think this way. Asks you what you think. Tries to be better around them. |
| You confront him about his controlling behavior and habits. | Says things like “It’s for your own good!” He does not accept his behavior. Says he’s not a controlling boyfriend. Finds other ways to control the things you do. | He tries to learn what he’s doing that could be seen as controlling. Actively stops himself from telling you “No, don’t do that.” Asks you to how you feel after being overly controlling. |
When to break up with toxic boyfriends for good?
In most cases, relationships that are showing the signs of turning sour due to a toxic boyfriend’s behavior may just need a bit of work. There can be many internal and external factors that are causing them to act this way. So it’s important to fully understand these toxic habits and traits before planning any kind of intervention.
[Read: 13 Big Mistakes That Can Stop You Finding The One]
A good balance of time, love and affection not to mention healthy compromise from you and your boyfriend is what’s required to build a good foundation in the relationship.
If despite your efforts you still feel the relationship is severely lopsided with you being the sole provider of love, affection, and understanding. Then its likely time to make real change in the relationship.
You either confront and work through all of the issues you are facing in the relationship with your boyfriend’s help, who is willing and capable of understanding how both your behaviors can affect the relationship.
Or you take drastic action and break up with him based on how things are affecting your self-confidence, self-worth, independence and overall happiness in life. This will never be an easy decision to make, but despite that, it could be one of the most important milestones in your life.